Cry - Medication

I've been crying in the morning and afternoon for more than a week now. Sadness, disappointment and discouragement swirl within me. I'm grieving the loss of friends and family as well as thinking about my own death: growing older, sickness and dying. Then a strange feeling came to me about 5:00 p.m. I began to feel my mood lighten and I found some humor in life. This has been the first signs of optimism and fun that I've had during the past three - four weeks. I am taking more medication and maybe this afternoon it started to come together.

Cry

I cried several times today as I battled my voices and absence of self-worth. I cried in places where I wasn't noticed, repeatedly telling myself I was a mistake and should be dead. The voice that says "I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me." over and over continues again to pound my right shoulder like a jackhammer. The pain of my mental illness is all-encompassing: aches in my legs and arms, headache, nausea, back, shoulder and neck pain. My doctor (I saw him yesterday) increased one of my anti-depressants - doubled it, actually. Every adjustment seems to bring me closer to the edge of untreatability.

Anxiety

I had to register my son for school this afternoon. The anticipation of being in a crowd of people unnerved me because I was afraid of meeting people I knew and disappointing them with my appearance, actions or speech. I am still geared toward pleasing people. I fail at this so often that I am almost always uncomfortable about any social activity or regular outing e.g., grocery shopping. If I didn't have anti-anxiety medication, then I don't think I would be able to leave our house as often as I do now.

Paralysis

I sit paralyzed with fear of making a mistake and then being overwhelmed by someone's anger with me. I sit doing nothing, staring into space. I contribute nothing to any job or to my family. My thoughts are racing; I have no control over my mind. My arms and hands tremble from my medication, which stymies me even more from moving. I am isolated, without contact outside my home. Contact would mean stares of death and rage. Better to hide.